It's all gone awry.

You ever get to that point?

You know, THAT point. Where you just can sit there and stand the silence in your head anymore. Or worse, the silence all around. Even when people are speaking to you nothing is said, ntothing real and true, nothing with substance.

Everything seems to be building to something else lately. Boiling over with potential but never reaching the rim of my self, never slipping past that tiny barrier of air that would let my inner world clash with my external world. I can just imagine it, the stuff of my life spilling over the sides of a too-large pot that has been on the burner for far too long, the contents sizzling in the exposure to the flame.

I'm not really sure what all that meant, maybe deep down I feel like life is over-cooking me just so that it can eat me one day, when I'm nice and tender and all the good parts have burned to the bottom of the pot.

Let me back up, or go forward, doesn't matter. I get in these moods. No, not the "oh my god, I'm a whiney little twit and I'm going to kill myself!" moods. It's just that I get in a place in my head whe the connections dont go outside. I operate in the world on instinct and habit, barely noticing the external, barely caring that I can't keep track of it anymore, barely registering when people talk directly to me, if I were to notice at all.

I think it has to do with something I never really noticed about my childhood. No, daddy did not beat me, and my mother loved me (we'll get to them later, nobody's perfect). I've been talking off and on to my parents and older siblings about how I was as a child, and how I wasn't. I was spacey, I didn't talk till I was over three years old, and then only if I had to. I never really cared about playing with other kids. I was cut off from the world of the living, and living in it.

I started ruminating on this strange position that I was, and somehow still am in, because of my son, who is scarily like myself. I sometimes weep for the pain that he will go through if he take the same path I did.

Let me back up again, or maybe it's sideways this time. If you get lost, it's okay, so am I.

I'm almost 30, I've done so much and so little with my life that it's alternately scary and amazing at once. Mix and match all four of those adjectives and see what you come up with. I have a family of three children. I'm (somehow) still married. I have a decent job that bears little to no personal satisfaction or sense of purpose. I never have any money, but I'm not sure I really want it (the super-ego lies).